But I will tell you that God is still wrecking me every single day.
As I pursue Him, I'm noticing how hard He is actually pursuing me... showing me areas where I need to grow, things I need to let go of so that I can be complete and whole. Every day is a kick in the pants, but still I've never felt alive like this.
Maybe you d
on't know this, but I constantly write. Especially now, while my days are less structured, I try to capture thoughts on paper as much as I can. It helps me process and learn. It helps me keep track of what the Lord is teaching me. So my life is more or less chronicled in notebooks and random slips of paper. I also make lists. Lists keep me going. And the anticipation of moving to the DR has resulted in more of them than I can keep up with.
Anyway, all this to say that in my writing and list-making I notice a pattern. It's happening slow, God is refining me. Little by little I am required to let go of everything I'm holding on to that's not the Father. And letting go is the hardest thing ever. I feel like this whole missions thing is fooling everyone into thinking I'm brave, when most of the time I don't feel very brave. And because of that, I'm putting myself in a position in which the Lord has to move for it to work... complete dependency on Him is where I want to be. I've heard it's a good situation to be in. And I'm still only learning, it's something I have to struggle with to grow into.
So I write, and I list. And I listen for the voice of the Lord. This might be weird, but I feel like the land of Israel that God spoke to in Ezekiel saying, "For behold, I am for you, and I will turn to you, and you shall be tilled and sown" (36:9). Even now He is preparing me for things I can't imagine... He's freeing me so I can really live, and really love and bring life to people. That's pretty cool.
He's breathing more life into me every day.
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